The Biggest Wall of All the Walls

How Denial Is Trapping Us

Do you know that sensation when someone tells you something and you flat-out reject it but while rejecting it there is this tiny voice inside telling you that you might wanna take a second look? I have felt like that many times and for the first 37 years of my life, I never listened to that voice again that told me to double-check so I stayed in what it was: denial.

My denial is incredibly strong. But I catch it earlier and earlier and it reveals incredible gifts because denial is protecting the crown jewels of our existence. If denial is speaking, our inner wisdom is speaking but in a twisted way. Our wisdom knows that what we hear is touching the core of our existence. Our rejection of what we hear is supposed to protect us; because someone doesn’t feel trustworthy; because we think we have already proven the opposite of what we’re being told. It is such a strong sense of “no, this is just not true” that we don’t listen.

While in denial, we’re not listening at all - noise-cancelling headphones on full mute. Denial starts even before we have let the message penetrate our being. So the denial’s wisdom knows that there is something important to protect but it also blocks out messages of the same level of importance as what it is protecting. Feeling denial enables us to identify crucial and very important areas of our consciousness that need some recalibration and if we catch our denial in time, the frequencies of recalibration will be able to penetrate our being and we will experience immense expansion.

Denial is one of the biggest and most effective defense mechanisms the ego has and what does any good strategist do? Correct, he uses the most effective weaponry to protect the most valuable assets. Our ego is no different, denial is used to protect what the ego regards as the most inner core of what it perceives to be you. Denial is mostly used to protect your core memories and what your ego thinks it is that defines you.

What we think defines us is very different for everyone. For some, it is their political beliefs, for others, it is things they can do, and for some, it is even the things that they supposedly can’t do that define them. Your ego needs a story of who you are to protect something. If there is no story of who you are that is accessible to your mind then there is nothing to protect and your ego feels lost and helpless if not properly taught what it is supposed to do. If that’s not the case, the ego protects its core at all costs and for that denial is being used because it is so effective.

Yet, denial is not what we think it is. Denial is not the absolute truth. Denial is just such a strong NO that most beings crumble and accept it as the truth. But in truth, denial is just the last wall. Denial is this tower in the middle of a heavily protected castle. Denial is where the king and the queen flee when the whole castle has already been overrun by the enemy. The problem here is that the ego defines everything that wants change as an enemy. Most of the time our ego fights change and progress and if we step out of ourselves and watch our ego from a third-person perspective, we understand that the ego is fighting exactly what we want to invite.

In reality, the enemy overrunning our castle is a very welcome guest that brings liberation. The problem here is to be sure. Everything that can be liberation can also be something conquering us and everything that we perceive as denial can be inner wisdom and vice versa because they feel and sound so similar. Everyone who ever has been in a toxic relationship can relate.

So here is how to tell the difference: First, denial feels very much like inner wisdom but not entirely. There are still nuances that tell them apart and with practice and stillness you will be able to tell the difference. Both, inner wisdom and denial, feel very steady and solid. They feel like an entry in the Encyclopedia Britannica. Very solid and like its truth has been proven a million times. And that is like 99% percent of the sensation of inner wisdom and denial. But there is this one percent that tells them apart.

In wisdom, this one percent feels like a very gentle and wise grandpa. Every time you would question his wisdom, he would just smile at you and suggest that the two of you play a little board game. But he would never get mad at you, never call you stupid, or threaten you to believe him. Denial is very different than wisdom. That one percent of denial is more like a 2-year-old child who wants a lollipop in the supermarket. It will try to take your emotions hostage. It will try to blackmail you. And every time you try to question the denial's "wisdom" it will react with furious anger or it will try to shut down your system.

Shutting down your system can take various ways. It will either make you forget what you have heard or what you have questioned. It will try to rewrite the story of what just happened or it will slightly adapt the story or memory that you are questioning to give you some relief. But it is just a tactical retreat to build the wall of denial somewhere else. That is why denial is nothing that you will ever get completely rid of just as you won't get completely rid of your ego. I guess it is technically possible to do both but then you would have lost contact with the physical plane entirely and if that’s what you want then why stay on this planet?

But back to how to detect denial. The first way to detect it was to check for that one percent of denial that feels odd. The second way is easier in my perception but you have to catch it in the moment so in that sense it is harder. But if you can observe yourself while you are listening to someone giving you advice or while you are questioning yourself you will notice that denial is trying to kill off everything that’s going in that direction right away. Wisdom will hear someone out, wisdom will listen to advice in a relaxed manner because it knows if it’s good advice we'll take it, if it's bad advice we'll discard it. Denial can't be that relaxed because on some level it knows it’s wrong.

So every time you cut someone off without even listening, every time you think you are listening but your thoughts are somewhere else completely or you think you are listening but you are completely distracting yourself - check yourself if you might be in denial. And if you are: try to relax. Try to make the wall disappear. Try to listen and absorb. It will put you back into the moment. And only in the moment you truly exist. In that moment there is nothing that you would consider to be the core of your being, nothing that is worth being protected by denial and your ego has disappeared for a while. But it will come back up which is beautiful because every time you loosen denial you will find something that you have been attached to for too long. And every time you disentangle from attachment you will come closer to the true nature of your being which is made out of bliss and joy.