Crawling out of the Pit

The Story of My Life

This text is a delicate one for me so I ask to be received with kindness. I decided to post this little story of my life because it made me realize that it is possible to handle everything that life throws at you and I want to share that with maybe the one person that needs to hear it. No matter how dark life seems to be - I know that our souls have entered this life voluntarily fully aware of the lessons and challenges that will await - and they did so because they knew it is doable.

Suffering cannot be compared but I still feel compelled to explain the depth of the pit I have been crawling out. I had a gun to my head and thought this is it. A very close colleague of mine got shot to death on her way back home from work, the same way I took every day. The cartel tried to blackmail me by threatening me with violence and death - in Guatemala that is a credible threat compared to my home country of Germany so I didn’t dismiss the videos of chopped-off heads and executions they sent me. During that time I also got divorced and ended up quite on my own in a foreign country that I feared deeply.

And still, I didn’t feel pain. Can you imagine how emotionally shut down you have to be to experience all this and still be in denial of your feelings?

At that point in my life, all that internalized trauma from my childhood had already created immense tension in my body. My knees stopped working properly, and waiting in front of an elevator became painful. It became harder and harder for me to speak, especially foreign languages because the muscles of my jaws clenched. When I tried to play soccer after a long pause, I stumbled and fell during my first sprint. My body remembered how to run but my legs wouldn’t run anymore.

And still, I considered myself to be strong and invincible. Can you imagine how much you have to be in denial not to see those signs?

But then my erection stopped working. That is the one thing even a narcissistic man in deep denial couldn’t align with the story he was telling about himself. So I looked for and found someone to “fix” my penis. I found Cris, a tantric priestess, and she was my first contact with the spiritual world. As a person who only trusted science, I justified that by framing tantra as a way to have good sex. This is not wrong I guess but having good sex started to be on my agenda just now, over a year after my first contact with Tantra.

Instead of fixing my penis, we started by taking deep dives into my consciousness. I couldn’t remember much if anything before my 15th birthday - which is never a good sign. My childhood and early teenage years were full of trauma. Sexual abuse. Torture. I tried to kill myself when I was 12. The only way my system survived this was by dissociating while it happened and storing those memories in the deepest cellar of my mind.

Yet, that was only a temporary fix and the reason why I was tense all my life. My body was tense but my mood was tense also. It was my normal state to be in, I never knew anything else so it was the reality I accepted. But there is only so much tension a human body can hold without imploding, exploding, or becoming sick. For me, it felt more like a meltdown. I started to remember my childhood. All of a sudden, people of my closest family whom I thought to be the bedrock of my existence became perpetrators and predators, greatly betraying me starting right after I arrived on this planet. If something like that shifts in your life, there is nothing much to stand on anymore so it was an incredibly rough time. But also, those horrible core memories were like the lost pieces of a puzzle that made the whole picture visible again. More than that, by finding those pieces, I started to understand that there was a puzzle.

I also realized that I hurt people myself. As I have learned from the Gene Keys there are two ways to react to something happening to you. In the shadow state of existence, you can respond by repressing or reacting. You can either become a victim or an offender. And to be fair, it is rarely a clear-cut line. Most of us are or were suffering and causing suffering. Yet, there is a tendency everybody is leaning to and I was reacting very reactive.

Almost everyone "doing the work" comes from the victim's side. But this is changing at the moment. The rise in consciousness on a planetary level is now even affecting the predators in this dualistic dynamic between becoming a victim and victimizing. I feel like I am part of and an early sign of that change. I have spent a lot of resources to leave the illusion that I called my life. I have spent a lot of energy purifying myself and making amends not only for what happened to me but also for what I did.

Great strength lies in such a process. Great gifts lie behind every step you take on the ladder of consciousness. I am convinced that both perspectives are needed. People that come back from great suffering and people that come back from causing great suffering. Only the joint perspective of both sides of the coin will finally end up in a resolution. Black and white, up and down, left and right, male and female, good and bad, all the dualistic descriptions of this existence will come to an end soon and I already see it quite clearly.

I know how hard it is to come back. I know how hard it is not to give up. That is why I want to share what I have learned. I want to make it less hard for everyone walking the path. I would love to share the support I have. So please reach out. Tell me your story. Let me learn from you and let us learn from each other.

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if you want to release everything that holds you back and don’t know where to start this is as good a place as any:

Hauling up the Anchor

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