Getting Flushed Through the Canyon of Life
Goodbye Bali, Welcome India!
Do you know that sensation when life seems to be closing in like a river entering a canyon? Everything speeds up, water splashes in your face, and several storylines of your life—some you didn’t even know existed—merge and culminate into a big breakthrough. Intense, unstoppable, and completely transformative. That's how it felt for me recently. I now face the task of writing about the last two weeks of my life at a length you can finish reading before you forget the beginning. Let's dive in.
I kind of felt it coming, to be honest. My decision to move to India for a while, driven by a deep instinct urging me to leave Bali, was an indicator of change by itself. Yet, about two weeks before I intended to leave, I decided to join a Kirtan course with my meditation teacher from last year, Punnu Wasu. Over the past months, joining Kirtans and singing mantras in community has become one of my favorite things to do. I also sing mantras every morning and have rented a harmonium to learn this beautiful instrument, so it was kind of obvious to learn more about it. Little did I know what avalanche of change this course was about to set in motion.
Singing is such a powerful expression of self. By doing it, you literally and metaphorically find your voice. Opening your voice and speaking your truth is deeply frightening but also just as empowering. For 10 days, I was surrounded by people who didn’t mock my singing but supported every wrong note with enthusiasm. It all culminated for me in a highly emotional presentation of my voice and harmonium skills in front of the group. It was one of the scariest things I’ve done in a long time, although that record was easily broken just a couple of days later by moving to India. 🤣🤣
It changed so many things. I realized how much shame I still hold and how often I feel it. Just today, someone made a comment about my big suitcase, and I felt ashamed about having a big suitcase - wild, isn't it? It’s the same with every suppressed emotion—the moment you start releasing it, you realize that it is everywhere. I was so ashamed of my singing voice, and even more terrified of presenting it in front of a group. But pushing through that barrier uncovered so much hidden shame connected with a vast variety of topics that is now flooding out of me, leaving me for good.
Finally, I was able to burn the letter I had written to my father. In a family constellation, this powerful realization came over me that it is not my shame—I can give it back into the hands where it came from. I burned that letter right where I buried Anton, under that beautiful tree in the Balinese cemetery, with a ceremony full of intention and release. Just as the last pieces of paper turned to ashes, a big toad dropped dead out of the sky and landed 20 cm in front of my feet with a loud thud. WTF. I am not kidding you - a bird must have dropped its prey is my mind’s explanation. I guess the ceremony worked.
Releasing shame also allowed me to step more and more into my truth. Julia has given me this beautiful affirmation that I want to share with you—maybe you’ll want to use it too:
I stand in my truth, knowing I am safe.
Judgment has no power over me, for I act from authenticity and love.
My path is supported, and my light shines brighter each day.
That amount of growth naturally brings about gigantic shifts in my surroundings. New friends grow closer; old friends drift more distant. Something that would have frightened me to death in the past, I now accept as part of life. I accept change as stability.
One of these friends I visited in Singapore on my way to India. Singapore feels a little like Disneyland. Everything is clean and tidy, and it seems to be a city without worries. Yet, quite a big part of the population appears to struggle economically, even though the city is an agglomeration of marvels and wonders. You also risk a $500 fine if you eat something in the metro which to me is an indicator that social peace might be forced with repressive laws. I still have to figure out whether I like the city or not. An experience it is, for sure, and I want to share some of it here.
What excited me the most about Singapore is how beautiful it is at night and what a wild show of light it is. It is more laser show than a city.
Stunning, isn’t it?!
And then you walk casually by a bar and you hear this guy singing! I mean this voice belongs on bigger stages, doesn’t it?!
I’m writing this after leaving Singapore and two wild days in India. Yesterday, I had an emotional breakdown just after walking for 15 minutes on the main road. People yelling and honking for no reason, being touchy, and entering your space with seemingly no respect for boundaries. Only the cows standing in the middle of the chaos are zen. All that shell shocked me. Luckily, I had great support, and now I’m a bit further outside of town in a sanctuary with a pool, gym, daily meals, and peace and quiet. I can hear the cicadas chirping.
I might stay here for a month or so. It seems like the perfect setting to ground myself, adapt to India, and most of all, write my book. I started writing a couple of weeks ago, and it gives me tremendous energy and a powerful sense of purpose. FYI: I will start publishing the book chapter by chapter here on Substack soon. It will be a book about my life and the wild journey of awakening. I am so excited to get your feedback. Subscribe if you haven’t yet to receive my treasures.
That’s it for now. I could have written 10 times more. How I was having dinner with a group of people and felt entirely safe for the first time in my life. Or how I was DJing at a private event of tantra enthusiasts, everyone getting naked and cuddly. So many stories of the last two weeks remain untold, but I believe you’ve gotten a taste of my journey, although maybe not the full picture. As Arnold Schwarzenegger once said, “If I had more time, I would have written a shorter book.”
So long, my darlings! 🫠🏋️🎉
PS: I also got a new haircut! Lovely Anastasiia didn't just cut my hair but also powerfully realigned my energetics! If you are in Bali and interested in such a powerful experience, let her know!
