I'm Done.

The Almost Weekly Tom

In meditation, I have those random memory flashes sometimes. Sitting on my terrace, listening to the gurgling sound of the fountain in my garden I thought about this beautiful day working as a teacher at the German School in Guatemala City. It was during my last month there and already after my mental breakdown. I was always one breath away from hysterical sobbing and in my classes I was basically doing nothing, telling my students if you don’t tell anyone I won’t either.

While my class was collectively scrolling to the bottom of their phones I was sitting outside in the sun catching my breath, trying to regulate my dysregulated being. The whole compound was empty since everyone was indoors but all of a sudden, this boy from kindergarten appeared. He was redheaded like me, with big round glasses and freckles; a nerdy-cute 5-year-old. Completely out of breath, the poor little lad was about to rush past me but out of a whim I stopped him.

He had lost his class he told me. That doesn’t sound bad for us adults but for him, the world was about to end. Most likely he had never lost his pack before and it felt like dying to him. He was so desperate. Back then I didn’t know much about calming someone down but instinctively, I did the right thing. I made him sit down, reminded him to breathe, and asked him what the problem was.

We found his group. Problem solved. I don’t think he even said thank you but just now in my meditation, I remembered how amazing it felt to do that for him. To help. At that time I was feeling like that little boy. Constantly. And it felt so good to relieve his suffering without knowing that one day I would be able to leave my suffering behind as well.

My attempts to share what I know, to post the channels I receive, and to organize events for me to teach are motivated by selfishness. I want to feel like when I was helping that little boy more often. Partly, I still feel the urge for outside recognition but that impulse is getting weaker and weaker by the day. What gets stronger and stronger is my knowing that we are all one and with increasing empathy the pressure to act and support others rises simultaneously.

I am very close to being utterly and entirely content with my life and instead of reminding myself that my life is perfect as it is, that becomes a knowing more and more often. Only two things bother me sometimes. First, I don’t have a partner to share my beautiful life with. Second, I haven’t built a career yet which would allow me to help more.

Over the last months, I have tried really hard to change that. I applied as a meditation teacher, held one-on-one sessions, and organized my own events. There are some small signs of success but all in all, it was disappointing. The only person coming to my event last week was me although I did everything I could think of to invite people.

Although that was hard to take and it took me a couple of days to process my core convictions are still in place. I still believe that sharing what I receive in my channels is part of my dharma. I still believe that I am meant to be a teacher. I still believe the universe supports me and the water will ultimately find its way through the rocky riverbed.

But I’m done. I’m done forcing things. I am done pushing people. I am done being hard on myself.

Such an exciting feeling not knowing what lies ahead!

When those thoughts first entered my consciousness they carried a lot of frustration to be honest. But that has shifted - now it feels like a big burden has been taken off my shoulders. I am not in charge of anyone’s healing; I will do more harm than good if I try. Nor am I in charge of planning my life 10 steps ahead. Things that are meant to be will come to me.

I have decided to leave Bali. No flights have been booked yet but most likely I will go to Tulum and work my way south although I might have to go to Germany first. I want to visit friends in Mexico and Costa Rica and it was always my dream to travel around South America. I will keep writing, I will keep channeling and sharing with people who are ready to listen but I’m done struggling. From now on I want to flow.

additional offers

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this week’s addition to the library of wisdom is about cleaning your attachments to people, possessions, concepts, emotions, and thoughts - it also includes a powerful journaling practice:

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an empowering transmission about reframing the nature of challenges:

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