On a Thai Sleeper Train Into Paradise
How Are You, Tom?!
More people than usual have been checking in on me lately, and I was delighted. Then I realized it might be because I haven’t written anything personal in a while. Even my last text about Tiruvannamalai was more of a travel guide than a personal update. Part of the reason I haven’t shared much is the speed my life has at the moment. Before, every time I wrote a piece for The Almost Weekly Tom, I did so in a space of peace and quiet between phases of change. As much as these little updates are for you, they are also reflections for myself. I have noticed that without reflection and integration, life just washes over you like waves over a sandy beach instead of deeply penetrating the soil of the soul.
So I haven’t written anything because there was rarely a pause. Even though my time in Tiruvannamalai was quiet and peaceful, it also marked the biggest shift I have experienced in my entire life. Something that had been dawning on me for a long time, I fully accepted during my time there. This little community in India was the place where my seeking to become whole, perfect, healed—stopped. Not just my mind but my whole being deeply relaxed into the understanding that I am pure divinity. Funnily enough, this realization came in a place filled with the most intense energy of desperation and dedication for enlightenment and self-realization I have ever encountered. Being in that energy taught me to soften into the exact opposite. There is nothing and no one I have to become to be divine and pure. With all my flaws and traumas, I am already worthy.
It felt like a deep exhale on top of a mountain after a steep ascent. And the moment I felt that, I knew I had to leave Tiruvannamalai. Honestly, there just wasn’t enough fun for me, not enough play. To be fair, it is an impressive place, but only if you’re trying to find something. On top of that, Indian traffic was killing me. All the honking made me go nuts, so I left. I left with deep gratitude and appreciation for what it taught me and with love in my heart for the beautiful beings I met there—yet the moment my plane to Bangkok took off, I felt 10 kilos lighter right away, and not just because of the physics of a takeoff.
Arriving in Bangkok, I used all the tricks of a seasoned traveler. I almost surprised myself at how smoothly I organized everything. Instead of waiting in some obscure corner of the train station to cover my five-hour layover before my sleeper train to Surat Thani, I found myself a fancy hotel with a spa and restaurant, got a massage, and ate some delicious food. I was quite proud of myself, to be honest.
The train station itself was the next surprise! Apologies, dear Thai people, but although I love sleeper trains and stayed two weeks longer in India just to get a ticket, I was also a little worried that a crowded, chaotic train experience might wreck my delicate nervous system—especially since first class wasn’t available anymore. Boy, was I wrong! The train station was brand new and huge! Boarding was as smooth as my oily skin after the massage. But I started to worry when I entered my wagon and didn’t see any beds, only seats. The prospect of being cramped into a seat for 10 hours made me a little anxious.
Being in the way all the time with my huge suitcase and unfamiliar with the situation, the conductor got a little cranky with me. He even made one of those deep-throat sounds I remember making in childhood when I had to explain something obvious to my sister, and he must have thought exactly the same: Oooch—please, God, let it rain brains from the sky! I think I was quite the sensation with my clumsiness, but finally, we became good friends. My secret weapon in such a situation is friendliness. Pure, persistent friendliness melts away all resentment in my experience. In the end, he even allowed me to take pictures of how he magically created beds left and right out of nothing! I didn't have to sleep in a seat after all!
The food was simple but amazing, and to my own surprise, I slept quite well. From then on, it just took one more shuttle bus, a ferry, a night in a hotel at the pier in Koh Phangan, an hour on a pickup truck, and a bouncy ride on a small boat to reach my final destination. After three days on tour with eight different modes of transport, I was excited to finally arrive at—The Sanctuary.
ChatGPT found it for me. I gave it a budget and told it I wanted to play beach volleyball and have a spiritual community, and AI suggested all those nice places: Goa, Ubud, Ibiza, Portugal. But in the end, it said, or you could go to The Sanctuary in Koh Phangan. It sounded so appealing without knowing anything else, and although fully booked, I wrote an email, and of course, someone had just canceled for an 11-night stay—so I went.
It is so wild how the universe is showing me my way lately. Of course, The Sanctuary is perfect again. One year in Bali was perfect to get me back into a presentable shape after my collapse. Seven weeks in India were perfect to expand my consciousness and stabilize a profound state of connectedness. But as mentioned, I missed a good dance. Koh Phangan, at least here at The Sanctuary, is exactly that: a beautiful dance of life.
The community here spreads over three adjacent beaches, with The Sanctuary and its beach, Haad Tien, in the middle. The story goes that the guy who created the script for the movie The Beach wrote it here. It is something special for sure. What started as some hippies building a hut decades ago is now a yoga, spa, and lifestyle resort with a fancy touch, but it still offers budget options that attract a community of about 2,000 people who keep coming year after year—either as a refuge from their busy "normal" lives or as a settled station for the rolling stones, the free eagles of this planet.
It creates a very special vibe when you mix people arriving in the bay directly from their hectic lives on a speedboat for a three-day detox with digital nomads resting for a couple of months and people who have lived here for years and form the core of the community. Additionally, from Friday to Sunday, you can party nonstop. The parties are definitely among the best I have been to, and I have been partying for over 20 years in almost a hundred different cities across the globe. On the weekend, several hundred people from the rest of the island assemble here like birds during mating season, mix with everyone already present, and have the time of their lives.
Writing this, I just came from a day party at Waynam Beach next to The Sanctuary, and I am preparing for a difficult night because on Friday there is a party right next to my bungalow. Most likely, I won’t go, though, because my sleep is sacred to me by now—another reason why I really appreciate the day parties.
So this place is great for me now, but I already realize that I will have to keep up my discipline if I want to make headway with my book and my new project to give Maps of Ascension the shape and size it deserves. More on that soon. So I need discipline but also to flex my social muscle a little. Over the last few years, I’ve been quite a hermit most of the time. I mean, I have been around people, but I still kept very much to myself. Here in Koh Phangan, the party scene is just so similar to what I know from clubbing in Germany, and to go there, I just need to walk to the next beach. Everyone is so friendly, so I am socializing more and more—which, at the same time, is a real struggle because a lot of fears and triggers from my past come up. I still fear groups to some extent, and every time I go to one of those parties, I challenge myself. But that is also a beautiful lesson in balancing a life of productivity, creation, and having a social circle outside Zoom calls. It is beautiful, and I have been inviting it for a long time. I have felt alone many times—very lonely. Yet now that I am getting company, it is also very scary.
It doesn’t matter how spiritually connected I am to the highest planes, I am still living in this body, and I am still following programming from my childhood. Those parts of me are on high alert at the moment. Very often, my emotions are quite intense lately, and it is a challenge to stay in equilibrium. But I guess that is the next lesson the universe has in store for me.
If you ask, How are you? I would say I am having the time of my life at one of the most beautiful places I have ever been—maybe the most beautiful. And simultaneously, I am often struggling with my inner stability. Not that you have to worry—I have learned so many techniques by now and have beautiful support, but these are stormy times. And still, I love it because I know that after this storm has passed, I will have learned so much about community, connection, and my own boundaries, all of which is necessary to live the life of my dreams. I cannot live in the ether forever, hiding in meditation and behind noise-canceling headphones—which, funnily enough, just broke yesterday. Another hint from the universe.
I am about to break free from my last shackles that have been put on me by trauma and abuse, and I observe myself walking the walk. I am full of pride and admiration for myself. I am so in awe of what I have achieved in my life in general, but especially over the last three years. And still, I know this is just the beginning. My life has turned out to be a never-ending source of surprises and I am already very excited about what will happen next.