Approaching the Fake Giant
The Fear to Be Myself
I will go on my first podcast today. It is scary. I had a gun to my head but this is scarier. It feels like it is threatening my existence. Of course, consciously I do know it doesn't but there are still parts of me that don't want to be dragged into the limelight, they only go there because they trust me. Like a dog that would only carefully enter a cage because the owner tells him so.
I also know where that fear is coming from. It is coming from deep trauma. In my childhood, the only way to be safe was not to be seen. At the same time, I am very visible on a physical level but also just by the fact that my personality type is far from timid or shy. So that's a huge split. I also know that my life's purpose includes having some level of publicity. Today is the day when I will overcome my fears of being seen and when some of my inner splits will be merged.
I also fear going on that podcast because I know I will show up as all aspects of myself. One of those aspects is that incredibly wise person with limitless access to oneness. You might think that that's a good thing to be but for me, it feels threatening. That version of me radiates too much for my taste. I fear radiance and power because I fear everything that might have power over me even if what I fear is me.
There is this genius of an author called Michael Ende - he writes what some people consider children's books but which overflow with wisdom that every adult should read. In one of his books, there is a character called "Herr Tutur der Scheinriese" which you could translate as Mr. Tutur the fake giant. Tutur the fake giant seems to be incredibly huge and terrifying from afar, a true giant. But with every meter you come closer, he shrinks - quite the opposite of our laws of optics. Once you stand in front of him he is just a very kind man of normal size but quite alone because no one ever dares to come close.
This part inside me that is old and wise, this part that can tap into oneness, this part that has true connection is like this fake giant to me. For a long time, I didn't dare to approach. He seemed to be too scary and too powerful. But with every step I am taking closer, he becomes more approachable. I understand that even that version of me is just a man and that this version still owns the same weaknesses and fears as my present self. I keep learning that this giant is not trying to overpower the human that is approaching and that there is not even any category like "small" or "big" or "wise" and "dumb" - there are just a million aspects of myself and I love every single one of them.
So wish me luck for today. Wish me the courage to show up as all that I am. See you on the other side.