What I Have Learned About Love

A Reflection

I am not sure if I know how love feels. Not because I was never "in love," but because I now understand that what we often consider being in love is actually a supercharged version of it. I believe that at its essence, love is the gentle appreciation and deep adoration of everything infused by consciousness. At its depth, love allows us to feel oneness with our surroundings. That is what makes love so universal and all-conquering. Love is born from the state of being one with everything, and as such, it conquers everything because it already is everything.

Unfortunately, that state isn't easy to access for most. It is easiest in nature - that awe when you look down into a green, lush valley from a mountaintop might be the closest I've come to love so far. Yet most of us, myself included, know love as that all-consuming energy that draws us to the "love of our life." But what if we've just been imprinted with an unhealthy, steroidal version of love? What we consider to be love - the framework popular culture created for us - seems more like obsession to me now. And I should know. Every time I met a woman, I was knee-deep in it.

Now I see more clearly.

Love, and the Love That Finds a Face

When I say love is the love toward everything, I don't deny the existence of romantic love. Of course, I try to love everything and everyone, but I don't intend to start a relationship with a duck or a tree. Romantic love is pure love plus physical, emotional, and intellectual attraction combined with similar life goals and values. With the right person, that cocktail activates all the right triggers in our system, and we experience something so intense that it seems to have little to do with the soft glow we feel when we see a sunset. And yet it is born from the same place.

So how do we experience soft, gentle, and nurturing love within the overwhelming excitement that comes with romantic partnership, especially at the beginning? The first step is to leave a deep illusion behind. My whole life, I thought someone else needed to give me love. Of course, I heard people say, "You need to love yourself first," but I always finished the sentence with, "so that someone else can love you." As if loving yourself were some kind of test you had to pass before being rewarded with "real love."

An Illusion Implodes

It took me close to 40 years to arrive at a gigantic breakthrough - one some of you might have passed already. So the following simple truth is quite possibly very obvious to you, but to me, it changed everything because I still thought love was something given to me. Then I watched a video by Peter Crone, and somewhere in the middle, I literally felt it "click" in my head.

The only person who can reach the love frequency for me is me. Every time I met someone and thought I was "in love," what that person did was help me reach that space of possibility and dream. The moment I met someone who had the right key to my lock, I suddenly felt wanted, and everything seemed within reach. But none of my partners or almost-partners ever gave that to me. They just helped me touch it.

I'm still surprised how such an emotional truth could land in me with such logic. Normally, insights like this are deeply felt - at least for me - but this one even made sense to my mind.

That insight unlocked something. I've had this experience many times before: the universe surrounds us with its field of possibility like water surrounding a stone on a riverbed. The universe is never holding anything back - it is we who cannot let it in. Same with my desire to have a romantic partner. The moment I had resolved that knot, the universe reacted immediately: I was about to meet two of the most stunning women I've ever encountered, just days after that revelation. From a mythical perspective, they don't even feel like two different women, but like one energy. The universe's way of saying, "Yes, exactly Tom. You figured it out just in time - now let’s have some fun!"

A Viking Goddess

The first woman I met at an ecstatic dance at Alchemy in Ubud. Man, I was on fire that night! A drummer was accompanying the DJ set, and once my body heard him, it did things without asking for my permission. I was so alive - the dancefloor loved me, and everyone on it did too. Women crossed the whole room just to dance with me, I was high-fiving a group of Korean tourists, and my hips were doing things I didn't know they could do.

At some point, I locked eyes with her. Blonde, tall, eyes like two moons. A Viking goddess on a field trip to Earth, straight from Valhalla. At the end of the dance, we exchanged numbers and had a beautiful day by a waterfall later on. At one point, I was floating down the river into her arms, and we shared our first kiss while the river destabilized and held us at the same time. It felt magical. We ended up in my bed, and it felt very cozy and intimate. We definitely had fun.

Yet the next day, she ended it. Not even sure that's the right verb since technically, nothing had begun. I have to admit, though, that I was already daydreaming about how this could unfold as I always do, but she decided differently. We didn't discuss it in detail, but she didn't seem as committed as I was to building something. An ex was also still in the picture. She also mentioned how intense that night was for her - a first hint for me.

I was very affected. The grief I felt was definitely disproportionately strong compared to the length of our connection. The next week, I went to the same dance again, at Alchemy. Part of me hoped to see her, I guess, but more than that, I wanted the exact opposite: not seeing her, reclaiming my emotional sovereignty. This event was a very different experience. I didn't shine at all - quite the opposite. The dance brought up a lot of sadness. And since I don't suppress emotions unless absolutely necessary, I cried. And it felt good.

A Lithuanian Supermodel With Presence

After the dance, I met her. Another goddess. Not just beautiful, but present. A natural leader of her women's group. She wanted to talk to my friend who was DJing that night, and I was about to say goodbye instead of joining him for dinner, since I felt so heavy. That’s how we started talking, and I enjoyed it. Initially, I didn’t think much of it. I was still grieving and about to fly to Germany two days later.

The next morning, I realized how much I had enjoyed her hug and being near her, so I asked her out. My intention was to keep it light, not be so intense, just have fun. At the beginning, it was easy. I was about to leave anyway and didn’t expect it to be anything more than a nice evening with a gorgeous, playful, present woman. She was here and now when she talked and listened. That is a rare gift.

For a while, taking it lightly went well. Yet, at some point, I asked if she would consider exploring this further, even though I was about to leave Bali. Still, I expected none of it. Her response hit me like thunder. I don’t remember her exact words, but with full commitment, her energy said: Of course! Why else do you think I’m here? Suddenly, all my lightness was gone. I started dreaming again, and everything became serious. With that, I became nervous, which was reflected in our goodbye: I tried to kiss her even though she clearly didn’t want to be kissed. It became awkward.

The next morning, she texted me how much she enjoyed the night. I felt true happiness. Finally, someone who understands that when two energies meet, especially when romantic love is involved, it can become a little awkward. I took that as a sign that she was someone who could move through such moments, and I appreciated that. I told her so, but I also needed some time. I was flying to Germany anyway, and I felt my center shaking because I liked her so much, so I knew I needed time to stabilize.

A couple of days later, I sent her a message. It wasn’t just a "hi, how are you" message. I shared my process. I showed genuine interest in exploring our connection. I remember thinking: she either meets me there, or she doesn’t.

And she didn’t. She dropped out the next day. The words were kind, but the message wasn’t clean. The subtext was that it was my fault. I think her words were, You still have a lot to integrate. And even though there is truth in it, saying that in the same message that closes the door isn’t very kind. Her perspective was just dropped on me with no chance for me to reply or offer mine. I believe there are better ways to end it.

My first reaction was anger. But what was I supposed to say? So I said thank you for letting me know and tried to move on. The whole thing was especially painful because I had been doing exactly what she mentioned: integrating. Learning to hold center. I took time to ground. And just when I had gained my footing, I was cut off mid-sentence. I felt like a student asked a difficult question and dismissed because I didn’t answer correctly right away. But that’s okay. I guess I just couldn’t give her the safety her nervous system needed, and I honor her choice to protect herself.

Facing Truth

My process afterward wasn’t easy. There was so much grief - old grief - that came after the initial anger. But I moved through and quite quickly, I realized that the same pattern had played out twice in less than 10 days. I found someone I liked and immediately fixated on her. Both women had named it in their own way: I was too intense. Yet instead of beating myself up over what I did "wrong," I'm proud of moving through the initial anger about how she told me and shifting my focus to what she had told me. I have learned to listen when the universe speaks.

Eventually, I saw it and accepted it. The moment I meet someone, I put my full emotional weight on her. It was hard to see that clearly because it doesn’t show in my actions, but internally, the moment I believe I’ve found a potential partner, everything else in my life stops. She becomes the sole focus. Even if I don’t express that outwardly, it can still be felt, especially by the attuned women I date.

That is not to say I will ever stop being intense. My life story is intense. I love depth. I love soul-searching. That’s just who I am. But I can’t drop all that on someone within the first week. Every time I meet someone I truly like, I assume she can hold my depth. So, with all my excitement, I yell: Finally, I have found you! Here is all I am! And I get dropped. Over and over again. And it’s painful.

I see that I need to change strategy; better late than never. Imagine trying to hand someone a dozen eggs all at once. It’s likely most of them will fall. It’s frustrating for both sides. My dates get overwhelmed, sometimes even lash out in frustration. And it hurts me too, because I opened completely and bruised my heart more times than I can count. Finally, I see it. I will learn to hand over one egg at a time. I will learn to move at the speed of trust.

When Two Stars Approach

Before these transformative days, I had already understood that the initial connection between two souls about to commit to romantic partnership expresses itself in tremendous energy. Most of the time, this energy plays out in one of two ways.

Option 1: The energies repel each other because the triggers are too strong. Although we resonate deeply with a person, it touches something in us we're not ready to meet, so we protect ourselves and leave.

Option 2: We merge. A partnership might begin, but it will be deeply codependent. The two energy fields fuse into one, causing utter confusion. Where before there were two centered adults, they are now spiraling and collapsing into each other like two stars that have come too close. The gravitational field pulls them ever closer until they crash.

The Goldilocks zone for healthy onboarding lies in the middle between merging and repelling: keeping your center while still letting magnetism draw you toward the other person. Yet that process is never without the occasional ripple or bump in the road. In such a charged meeting, it's not wrong to be destabilized. The real question is: can you recalibrate together? Love does not bypass discomfort. It walks through it. It meets those moments with honesty, breath, and the willingness to build something real. From that perspective, a little awkwardness is even a good sign. It means you are not two people collapsing, but two stars navigating their new orbit.

Staying Centered Means Holding Multidimensional Center

I also understand now that staying centered means holding multidimensional center. With both women, I managed to stay centered in relation to them, although it took me a couple of days. I stood upright. But my entire being turned toward the potential partner. Out of my beautiful 360-degree life, suddenly only one direction mattered. The entire rest of my existence paused.

Being centered means holding all 360° of life, not standing upright while staring only in one. There’s a difference between being centered in yourself and being centered in life as a whole. The first is powerful. The second is sovereign.

The moment I understood this was also the moment my grief ended. It felt like a veil being lifted - a truly mystical moment. And suddenly, I felt so much energy. After writing my book, I had a couple of weeks without drive. During the writing process, I had felt relentless life force energy pouring through me; I felt purpose. But after finishing the book, I reverted to my old programming: finding purpose through finding “the One,” my life partner.

The Magnetism of Wholeness

Seeing this allowed me to change course. I’m now pouring all the energy that used to leak outward into myself. This is not spiritual chatter, but something I feel physically like sun rays on my skin. And right away, the same stream of energy that coursed through me during the writing of my book returned out of nowhere. And with it, ideas. My new homepage will be ready soon. I now know I will create an online course based on what I learned while writing the book. I received the whole outline in minutes - it was beautiful. And after months of not writing a word, this text appears. Oh, it’s good to be back!

Preorder the Book That Started It All

I guess that’s what magnetism is: you pour all the love and life force you have into yourself. You nurture and harness that energy, and it keeps multiplying, it keeps flowing because now the source is within you, and that source is limitless. And whenever you meet someone, you can share your love freely. You give plenty, and still, it doesn’t deplete you.

I’m not saying I’ve figured it all out, but life already feels very different. I feel connected, I feel whole, I feel at rest. Most days, I would probably purr like a cat if I could, and every free minute, I am driven to my laptop, imagining and creating a future of magic. I know I might stumble again, especially when I meet another goddess. I might become shy and confused and awkward, but just as before, I will hold myself in my shyness, awkwardness, and confusion. And who knows - maybe next time I’ll meet someone who can do the same.

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But Tom, I hope there was more than just heartbreak in the last months?!

As mentioned, I have been away from the keyboard for a while and unfortunately, it is impossible to share only a fraction of what happened, but here is a quick slideshow of some highlights - unfortunately, I rarely take pictures, but sometimes I remember :)

The Jewel, Singapore

Good People!

A dancing bridge, St. Elizabeth Quay, Perth

Zayed International Airport, Abu Dhabi

Traffic jam in Bali

Alright, my loves! That’s it from me! Have a great day!